Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

Go gym

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

Genius idea!!

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head