Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

Looking at you, Jesus.

Blew out my flip flop…

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

They got Raph!

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?