Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.