Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

Never forget.

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.