Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb