Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”