Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

We need more people like this.

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.