Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?