Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
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I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I have so many questions.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.