Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dietest Coke

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too