Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do