Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
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No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.