Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

😂

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

marvel comics have peaked

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.