Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
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Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
WHY?!
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Breaking news:
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂