Cashiers are always checking me out
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The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I did not eat the cake…
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way