Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
You Might Also Like
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse