@MattMcElaney

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

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@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

@Tmoney68

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

@Sickayduh

“Nice place!”

Mmmehh

“Hungry?”

Mmmehh

“You look nice.”

Mmmehh

“DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?”

Mmmehh

“Mom told me not to date a goat.”

@TequilaSaltlife

If you’re assigned green beans for thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

Just saying

@TheWeirdWorld

If gym equipment were invisible, then gyms would look like silent raves.

@markhoppus

Me: A 3-hour movie?! Who does that?!
Also me: I will now watch all 13 hours of this tv series in one sitting.

@MaryKoCo

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

@CAshmanActor

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

@Tmoney68

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

@mstluvstrinkets

People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.