Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
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My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.