Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

Seems kinda suspicious

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece