Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

*wraps present*

Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.

[20 minutes later]

Shit.

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?