Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

Me: *panicking*

Friend: just go with your gut

Me: *panicking while eating nachos*

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X