Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?