Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

As the Lord intended

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

*orders delivery*

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.