Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

✨☝️✨

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

who wore it better?

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.