Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
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Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.