Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
another case of gang violins
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
