Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
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me and my fake scenarios
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”