Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.