Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

is it too early for christmas memes

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again