Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

Winnipeg!!

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

Pleading insanity in small claims court

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.