Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pot warmers of the day.

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand