Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.