casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
You Might Also Like
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story