casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
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I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.