Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

A friend sent me this.

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles