Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

My dream car is a taco truck.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do