Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.