casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
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*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Money is the root of all wealth
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”