Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

Follow me for more fitness tips.

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”