Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.