Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

At an art museum and I thought this was art

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares