Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
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Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
Still laughing at this stupid meme
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Monday?
No. Next question.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
I see your IQ test came back negative
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.