Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.