Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

A mustache is just mouth bangs.