Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
You Might Also Like
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
