@kosmishima
@athleisure_monk
PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out.
PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.
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@athleisure_monk
@GabbbarSingh
Parliament should learn from Twitter, thousands of people shout here doing nothing productive, yet it never gets adjourned.
@LaurelleMartin
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
@oscarewilde
6. MY FAVOURITE TEXT POST OF ALL TIME PROBABLY
@fatherofcomedy
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
@DannyZuker
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
@Tommytoughstuff
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
@tiemoose
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
@BoogTweets
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
@HumorParasite
E-incense to mask e-joint e-odor.