@kosmishima

casual sex implies that there is ranked competitive sex

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@athleisure_monk

PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out.

PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.

@GabbbarSingh

Parliament should learn from Twitter, thousands of people shout here doing nothing productive, yet it never gets adjourned.

@LaurelleMartin

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

@fatherofcomedy

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

@DannyZuker

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

@Tommytoughstuff

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

@tiemoose

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

@BoogTweets

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship