“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
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Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
next question.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?