@kosmishima

casual sex implies that there is ranked competitive sex

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@astutenewf

YOU SHOULD BE CALLED JEHOVAH’S FITNESS! I yell as I lose my breath chasing them down the street.

@advicefromphil

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

@funflaps

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

@KeetPotato

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

@NatashaNat24

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

@AndyRichter

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

@LovingIust

I can’t be DMing you 6 memes and you only acknowledge the last one I sent. I want 6 separate replies.

@OneFunnyMummy

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

@WilliamAder

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.