Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too