casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
You Might Also Like
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer