Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that