casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
You Might Also Like
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex