casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.