[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
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ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
How do I get a job writing these texts
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
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Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*