[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
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Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.