Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.