[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
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I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
