[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
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Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
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12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Lmao
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Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM