*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
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In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Yup….perfect score!
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store