*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
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Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit