*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
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Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Best table by far
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
The symmetry is uncanny.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash