Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

what do you want!!!!!!!!

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.