Cat.
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HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”