Cat.
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[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I bet birds love this building.
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“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
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DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.