Cat.
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waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Support your local cemetery
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
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My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.