Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
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Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Me too, bag. Me too….
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
And that about sums it up.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!