@MichaelAlliman

Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.

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@SirEviscerate

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

@UnFitz

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

@scorpicpanda

Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket*

Him: “Where’s the food and why are you naked?”

Me: “Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic.”

@Sirrruh

So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.

There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.

@AmishPornStar1

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

@shatterpants

I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.

@TEXASVETERAN

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

@TheBoydP

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

@louise_vuitton

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

@MesutOzilClass

Arsenal did the mannequin challenge for 89minutes at Old Trafford and still drew.😂