Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
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cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Home is where your toilet is.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.