Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

Introverted vegans go meetless

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes