Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb