cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
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The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift