Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

That lamp looks PISSED.

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”