Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.